September has been an important month for vegetables.
At Sunnyfields Farm on Gutter Lane in Hampshire, 18 people spent five hours arranging 11,000 pumpkins and squashes into a 218-square-metre portrait of Sir David Attenborough holding a frog. There is clearly not much to do on Gutter Lane — funny because it sounds so nice.
Elsewhere, a lonely middle-aged man called Ben (from Essex obvz!) has spent the summer wooing Gladys, an Atlantic beauty who now weighs somewhere around 544kg. She occupies 600 square feet, has her own fan to keep her cool and, at her most enthusiastic, was putting on more than 40lb overnight. Ben says he feels like her father — which is just extremely weird.
Meanwhile, something potentially miraculous has happened in Wales. An ordinary packet of courgette seeds produced one entirely spherical specimen. It was then simply roasted and fed to Seren, (a black Labrador). I don't know why this seems like a waste but it does.
Finally, to Somerset, where more than 100 people across seven villages spent seven months growing mangelwurzels before assembling for the inaugural Great Polden Hills Mangelwurzel Day. Among the awards was Most Like Donald Trump.
The winner, Sarah Royall, apparently consulted her family on the likeness before adding fluffy hair and an appropriate complexion.
Which leaves one genuinely extraordinary question — How can anyone living in 2026 possibly need to consult their family about what Donald Trump looks like? Even my five-year-old nephew knows 'Trumpy'.
The Rules
Hall of Farm has rules.
We published them last month and cannot reasonably be expected to write them again when you can just [click here].
The rules must be followed to the letter at all times under incredible pain of death.
The Categories
There aren't any.
You do not enter a category. You enter Hall of Farm.
It would clearly be improper to announce the categories before entries have been submitted. Entrants might then attempt to influence the results by submitting something appropriate, when the results have, of course, already influenced the submissions.
Hall of Farm is the only competition in the history of the world with strictly defined rules for entering and explicitly incomprehensible, opaque rules for a competition which has already simultaneously begun and finished.
The Hall already knows what competitions have occurred.
Hall Only Knows.
An Important Announcement from the Hall
The Hall requires 16⅔ entries by 6pm on Sunday 11 October.
A melon is being held pending compliance.
Obviously not one of these melons, but a close relative.
The melon is currently assisting the Hall with its enquiries.
Should sufficient entries not be forthcoming, further measures are available.
At 6pm on Sunday 11 October, should the required 16⅔ entries not have been received, the melon will be hit with a sledgehammer.
Terms
One entry.
One main photograph. A second photograph is permitted where absolutely necessary.
Your name and location.
No more than three sentences.
Under-18s are welcome and will be dealt with separately.
The Hall has Spoken.
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